Technical Difficulties
by redwalgrl-RG
Summary: Riza Hawkeye had always been a smart woman. A smart, but terribly unlucky woman. This much is proved once again when she returns to her office only to find her boss and a man she hates having their way on her desk...
1. Chapter One

**Technical Difficulties**

**Chapter One: In Which Our Heroine Discovers Something Rather Disconcerting**

For some strange reason, eating cake late at night makes me write fanfictions. I must remember this when I get massive writer's block again.

Anyway, this idea is more crack-y than I intended it to be, but that's good, I can write another humor fic now! This takes place after Roy's transfer to Central, but before Hughes' untimely demise. I've grown to care for him a lot more than I originally did, and wanted to actually stick him in a fanfic somehow. This is the result, I suppose.

_Rating:_ PG-13 for now. I may change it if I decide to include a sex scene or five. Kidding. Maybe.

_Genre(s):_ Humor/Romance. With the emphasis on humor. Yes, there will be some other elements, but these are the main two.

_Original Characters:_ Probably will be brief mentions, but they aren't the focus of the story.

_Out of Characterness:_ Yes. Oh god, yes. Please forgive me. It's for the sake of the lulz. Or something like that.

_Pairings:_ Only one, but you'll have to wait to find that out!

_Summary:_ Riza had always been a smart girl. A smart, but unlucky girl. And when she forgets something and returns to the office one day, just who does she find making out on her desk? Needless to say, it's something she never expected.

Have fun. I did.

-+-

"Sir, you've had all day."

"But, I was busy!"

"With what, precisely?"

"Well, I had to clean the windows—they were horribly dirty, you know!—and I had to go give some papers to Hughes, and you know how he talks and talks and never stops, and then I had to go unclog the toilets—"

"Sir, are you a plumber now?" Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant, sighed and looked down at the papers neatly stacked in the out box on her desk. Few things in life upset her the way Roy and his avoidance of paperwork did. "Those papers are very important, sir. You really need to complete them."

"But… I have to… go, right now, bye!" Roy waved, grabbed his jacket and was out the door before Riza could pull together a complaint. A glance at the clock revealed it was five, she should start heading home too. Wait, Roy had gone a whole day without doing any paperwork? She was going to have to shoot at him tomorrow. Maybe that would frighten him into doing the work.

With that, the First Lieutenant gathered her keys, her coat, and her puppy dog, Black Hayate, then proceeded to exit the building, nodding at the salutes the others gave her, and saluting any superior 

officers she walked by. Though she did manage to slam into Major Frank Archer on her way past Hughes' office, and apologized quickly. That was one man she didn't want to cross. There was just something about Frank Archer that she didn't like. She had no real reason to dislike him—he was actually a lot like her, both of them were good with a gun, efficient with paperwork, and had a wonderful tendency to shoot at their superiors (though Hughes managed to hide the bullet holes in his wall with Elycia pictures)—but she just got some sort of eerie feeling whenever he was around…

Anyway, once in her car, Riza made sure Black Hayate was safe in the back before starting the twenty-five minute trek to her apartment. As she reached a red light, suddenly something caught her attention. Did she bring her gun? Oh no, she'd left it at the office, hadn't she? It wouldn't be closed yet, Breda was closing everything down later tonight. Good, she still had time, she could go back and get it. With that, she pulled a tight u-turn (Riza was a wonderful driver, but her tendencies to speed and break 'unimportant' laws would certainly get her in trouble one of these days) and sped back to Central Headquarters.

She didn't run, but quickly paced back toward the office, slowing only when she heard voices. Breda, perhaps? A glance at the wall clock clearly stated that it was fifteen after five, everyone would have left by now. A small frown, and she pressed a hand to the door, about to push it open when she heard a very distinct moan. That was _not_ a moan of anger, distress, or agony, but rather a pleased moan. Riza's eyes widened to saucers. Was someone…? Here…? Of all places…? She inched the door a little further open, but was hesitant. Should she just open it all the way and see the perpetrators? Or maybe she should just leave now? What if it was something she didn't want to see? Wait, she shouldn't want to see _that_ at all! Riza shook her head, but her thoughts were clouded again as someone in the room started speaking.

"Mm, Frankie-babe, you know I can't resist you,"

Riza nearly choked, and her eyes widened further, if possible. She only knew one person who's name could be mutated into 'Frankie-babe', and that was the last person on the face of the earth she would have expected to find in here. But even more frightening was the fact that the voice had been a man's. A very familiar man's. But it couldn't be. Could it?

Steeling herself, Riza finally pushed the door in and walked in as if she hadn't heard anything, though an embarrassed blush and widened eyes disproved that theory. She was just in time though, for she got to hear Frank Archer's rather pleased moan of, "Roy…"

And there they were, surprisingly enough. Frank Archer pinned down on her desk in a state of undress with Roy Mustang bent over him, teasing at the pale skinned man's neck. Riza's eyes went back to the 'ohmygod' wide state again, and she raised a hand to her mouth to cover the fact that her jaw was dropped. This was _not_ what she had wanted to see. Not that she had wanted to see anything at all.

Suddenly, Archer's ice eyes popped open and he ended up staring over at her blankly. There was a very long pause before he nudged Roy off his neck and immediately began to redo the buttons on his shirt and uniform, now a bright shade of red to match Riza's.

"Frankie—" Roy started, frowning, obviously not very happy with the way things were turning out when he noted Archer's horrified stare over in Riza's direction. Roy turned his head and his jaw dropped as well, followed by a stream of muttered excuses.

And then the awkward silence came, leaving the three of them all the same color red with absolutely nothing to say. Archer finally did get off Riza's desk though, instead deciding to retreat for the room. It was a good idea, but unfortunately Riza recovered her wits before. "What… Actually, I don't want to know, sir. I just came to get my gun." She reached into the drawer and pulled it out, exactly where she had left it. She almost wondered for a moment if they'd been using it for anything else, then had to squeeze her eyes shut to block out the disturbing mental images. If anything, she would have expected Archer to be the dominant. "I don't want to know. But you do know that this is fraternization, correct, sir? If word of this got out…"

"But it won't, will it?" Roy asked, finally managing to strike up the usual conversational tone as if nothing had happened. The blush and nervous twisting of his hands gave him away. "You have no reason to tell anyone, right?"

"Of course not, sir." Riza stated dully. It was hard to believe that Sciezka's strange little theories were right on the money. She'd talked to the girl in private once, and Sciezka had gone off about how she was _certain_ that Major Archer was gay for someone in the military. Must have been her alien senses or something.

Roy let out an audible sigh of relief. "Good, good,"

Archer didn't say anything, instead waiting by the door apprehensively.

"On one condition."

Both froze up and glanced in the other's direction. Riza, if it was possible, looked positively evil.

"You won't touch my desk again. And,"

"You said one!" Roy protested.

"Sir, be quiet." That was the first time she'd ever so bluntly asked him something like that, and Roy shut up immediately. Archer gave him a reproachful look that clearly said that he shouldn't let his subordinate boss him around. Or a woman. Something like that. Damn chauvinists. "And you will do your paperwork, sir."

"What!? That's an outrage! I won't stand for this!" Roy exclaimed, nearly striking his epic 'miniskirt speech' pose, but then a loud gunshot rang out and Roy yelped, ducking a little too late. The bullet had missed anyway.

"I suggest you do as she says, Mustang. She may be your subordinate, but if she mentions anything," Archer paused to put the gun away, and ignore the kicked puppy look Roy was sending his way, "then you won't be her boss, and I'll be out of work. Do you want to see me unemployed? Do you!?"

"No, Frankie, I love you! I'd never want that!"

…_It's like a soap opera,_ Riza thought to herself, and found that more than a bit disturbing. Not to mention how Archer was blatantly using Roy. Wow, she'd never imagined that the men with the biggest 

egos in this place would be caught making out on her desk. Well, sort of. But they had been on her desk. She needed some serious Lysol.

"Then don't mess this up! Do your damn work, like I've been telling you since day one!"

Come to think of it, when and how had those two gotten together? Actually, Riza didn't want to think about it. It was disturbing, and she really couldn't imagine it. So she just wouldn't think about it.

"Of course, I'm sorry, Frankie. I love you,"

Gag.

"It's alright, Roy, I love you too."

Choke. Riza thought she was going to die right then and there. She had never imagined that she'd hate love so much. But when it was her boss and a man that really irked her for some reason… well, it was more than just awkward. "And stop that, it's really disgusting."

She half expected to be greeted with replies of 'homophobe!' but instead, she got rather abashed looks. "Sorry," The two responded in unison, then finally slinked out of the room as Riza pointed a finger to the door. This was all too much. They were probably going to go off and screw in Hughes' office now.

…How exactly would they screw anyway?

Augh, no, bad Riza! She shook her head, determined to get the absolutely horrifying mental images out of her head. She did not want to even think about it, much less imagine it! Sciezka probably did that in her free time. Hey, Sciezka would love to know about this, wouldn't she? Maybe she'd tell her. After all, Sciezka was only a Private, and no one believed what she said anyway. Besides, if Riza had to keep this secret to herself, she might end up committing suicide from the horror of it all.

Anyway, she retrieved her gun then returned to the car, muttering to Black Hayate why men were stupid and speeding home. She certainly ran three red lights, and she'd be damned if she actually cared.


	2. Chapter Two

**Technical Difficulties**

**Chapter Two: In Which Our Heroine Is Entrenched Deeper Into The Lives Of The Lovers**

I couldn't resist continuing with this story, though I would love more reviews. Heh. Anyway, part two. I'm having a bit too much fun tormenting Riza.

-+-

Things around the office couldn't have been more normal. Roy avoided paperwork, until Riza blatantly confronted him about it, and the others were blissfully ignorant of the horrors that had plagued Riza's nightmares since the 'incident'. It had been several weeks, actually, she was surprised Roy hadn't done anything stupid. How long had those two been… well, you know. Riza didn't want to think about it.

But the normal events of Roy's little office brigade changed that morning, when Major Archer stormed into the room, looking absolutely furious. No one even budged when he essentially took charge of the place, stalking over to Roy's desk and slamming his hands down on it. "Colonel Mustang."

"Major Archer."

"I'd like to have a word with you, _sir_. In _private_."

Riza hadn't heard so much emotion in any sentence from the man, so this was surprising. The two left without a further word, and Riza made some excuse to tail them. Either she was a glutton for punishment, or secretly interested in office gossip. It was the latter, but she refused to admit it. She was curious though, what would piss Archer off like this? Time for detective Riza to find out! Well, when she was little she had dreamed of being a detective. This was as close as she'd get, unless she transferred to Archer's department, which would be suicide.

Anyway, the two of them ended up in an empty office and Riza was left waiting outside the door. She half expected to hear disturbing sounds that would haunt her for the rest of her life, but instead was barely able to make out the strained voices. Ooh, this could be good.

"What did you do with it?" Archer. It was closer to a statement than a question. Riza also noted that he'd stopped calling Roy by rank, which never happened. Frank Archer was a damn suck-up to his superiors. Then again, Roy was his… _lover_. Riza cringed.

"Do with what?" Roy. He seemed genuinely confused, for once. It was rather easy for Riza to tell when Roy was confused or not.

"You know," A brief pause, Riza got the feeling Archer was gesturing, "_it_."

"It?" Still confused. Roy was just as dense as always.

"You're hopeless." An angered sigh. There was a long pause before Archer continued, "The carton."

"…Oh!" Roy seemed to get it now, and she could have swore she heard the snapping of fingers. Roy didn't have his gloves on, did he!? But when no fire started, he must have just done the gesture as most 

normal people do, when they've realized something. "Right, right, the carton. Uh, well, I put it back in the refrigerator—"

"_No you didn't!_" Archer's voice was barely controlled. "I checked this morning and it wasn't there! It's like coffee to you, I _have_ to have it."

Now Riza was more than a little confused. They'd put something in the refrigerator and it wasn't there this morning and Archer was pissed as hell about it? What the hell was it? Almost immediately after thinking it, Riza received a horrible mental image and had to hit her head against the wall to remove it.

"What was that?"

"Don't change the subject!" Archer snapped. Riza winced and rubbed at her head. Maybe now they'd actually get somewhere. What the hell were they talking about? Now she was too curious to leave. If they were talking about what she thought they were talking about, then well…

"Okay, okay. Sorry. I don't know, I'm pretty sure I put it back."

"Did you throw it out on accident? Roy, I checked that kitchen up and down, and I swear, it's not anywhere in there."

"Maybe I left it in your room?"

Gag. Riza didn't want to know what they were doing in there.

"No, I checked there before I left. If you don't find it before I return home, you're sleeping on the couch."

Riza visibly cringed. This wasn't going well.

"Aww, but you know you need your Roy-pillow!"

"I do not!"

More cringing. Riza decided to sneak away now. It was better than listening to more of this and getting more terrible mental images and scars.

"Wait, didn't you finish it?"

"…No… I don't think so. You know I always have extra."

Temptation. Temptation. Temptation, dammit! Riza hesitated, praying that one of them would just say what it was so she could leave.

"No, I'm pretty sure. Remember? With the whip cream and the chocolate sauce, and the cream puffs? Yeah, I'm pretty sure we finished them off."

"But… Dammit, you know I can't start a day without my strawberries!"

_What._

"Aww, Frankie-babe, it's alright. I'll run and get you some for lunch."

_The._

"But that's not going to help! I can't start my day without strawberries, that's all I eat for breakfast!"

_Hell._ Strawberries!? Riza groaned and returned to the office, slamming her head against her desk several times. How could she have mistaken that for—better not to think about it.

-+-

It wasn't to Riza's surprised when Roy returned later with a carton of strawberries. But she didn't say anything, instead just told him to do his paperwork irritably. Roy jokingly asked if she was on her period, and she shot at him again. _Men._ She'd never understand them.

When lunch-time came, she wasn't surprised when Roy fled from the office. He was probably going out to eat again. He'd been doing that a lot lately, but if Archer was paying for it then obviously Roy would go. Archer, after all, was apparently pretty loaded. Riza didn't want to know. She didn't. Really. Okay, she sort of did, but she wasn't going to ask or anything.

So she found herself in the cafeteria, sitting alone for once. The others were off gambling about the next woman that Roy would steal from Havoc (lies, by the way, for the women were just a cover-up), and so Riza was on her own. Well, at least for a little while.

"Hi, First Lieutenant!"

"Oh, Sciezka, hello." Riza spared a smile for the younger woman as Sciezka sat down across from her. "How are you?"

"Fine, you?"

"Alright," Pleasantries exchanged, silence lapsed between them for a moment. Riza wondered if she could get away with telling Sciezka. She hated dealing with this on her own. It was _painful_. "I was wondering, Sciezka, you aren't still investigating into your boss' love life, are you?" Because last time she'd spoken to her, Sciezka had been determined that Archer was gay, since he never had any female company, ever. How she knew that was beyond Riza. She figured it was safest not to know.

"Oh, Major Archer? Or Lieutenant Colonel Hughes?" Uh oh, Riza didn't like the sound of that. Sciezka was investigating Hughes' love life too!?

"Uh, Major Armstrong." She quickly stated, returning to the food. She really hated this cafeteria food.

"Oh yes, but nothing new has come up." Sciezka sighed. Apparently she only shared this information with two people; Winry (who she kept in contact with by phone), and Riza. Why Riza? Well, Riza sure as 

hell didn't know. Maybe because they were the only women in this place that actually worked? Yes, that might be it. She did feel some kinship with Sciezka in that regard.

"Ah, well…" Just starting to say it and suddenly Sciezka was interested. That was pretty creepy. "I've actually come across some rather… interesting information." Riza was wincing by now, and she knew if she didn't spill it here and now, problems would arise. Her face might get stuck in this position! "He's, ah… dating my boss."

There was a long pause, in which Sciezka's eyes widened to rival that of Edward Elric's, and her jaw dropped, but luckily she kept her voice low. "_Colonel Mustang?_"

"Err, yes." Riza replied just as quietly, swirling her spoon around in the soup. She wasn't hungry anymore.

Sciezka practically squealed, and looked absolutely delighted. "I was _right_! I always thought he had something for Colonel Mustang!" Riza couldn't fathom why Sciezka was so happy about something like this.

"I'm going to… go now." And with that, Riza fled back to the office.

-+-

Originally I was going to make this chapter longer but I like how it ended. So whatever. A side note on the strawberries, yes, I know it's OOC. But I'm sure you'll like what else I have planned for them…

The strawberries somehow or other appeared while I was RPing Archer and they haven't disappeared since. Deal with it.

I would also like to thank my reviewers! Thank you all!


End file.
